Sunday, September 04, 2005

Here's a look at how I might answer some questions you'd love to ask me.

Hey Roscoe, do you believe in God?
Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: I'm open to the idea, but he's got some lousy representation. Also, the Bible is a work of fiction. It might have started out as an historic document, but then the editors got a hold of it and turned it into a Bruckheimer script.

What's the matter with you? Don't you love your country?
Yeah, I love my country, and I look at the Constitution as a sacred text. I hate to see what some people are doing to ruin my country in the name of "patriotism."

Roscoe, should we outlaw abortion?
I lack a uterus, so I'll stay out of this one. Oh, what the hell, I'll take a stab at it. Safe, legal, rare. Well, sometimes I think it shouldn't be all that rare, like when I see Ann Coulter on TV. Seriously, if you don't have a uterus or are unwilling to adopt an unwanted kid yourself, stay out of the conversation. The grown-ups have work to do.

What are you, some kind of fag?
Nope. Though I do enjoy watching some girl-girl action from time to time. Yeah gay marriage should be legal, it won't bother you anyway. Gays don't recruit, despite what your closeted pastor tells you. In fact, I've never been targeted as a potential convert by the gay community. However, many religious people have tried to convert me to their particular brand. Besides, with gay marriage comes gay divorce. Think of the yard sales!

Why do you want to take my gun away?
You misunderstood me. I asked if I could try your gun, not have it. I love guns. I own two, and am interested in buying a shotgun soon. I want to give skeet shooting a try, but the shotguns I fancy are more like the pistol-grip gangster movie type. Not really good for aim.

Hey Roscoe, is birth control immoral?
Look, it's like my friend Jay said. "If there was a birth control pill for men, they'd put it in the water." Anyone who is against birth control hates women, it's that simple. These people think that a woman who has sex is a slut, and should be punished for the next 18 years with a child. Have you ever noticed that the people on the Christian right only care about human life up to the minute of birth, and then that kid is on his own? Try to get these guys to pay for a health clinic sometime, and you'll see what I mean.

Roscoe, why can't I pray in school? And why can't we talk about intelligent design?
Um, don't you have a church for that? Tell you what: I'll keep evolution out of your church, and you keep the fairy tales out of my schools. My taxes don't pay for your church, so do whatever you want. Hop on one foot and bark at the moon, I do not care. I pay for the public schools, so I would prefer to keep your witchcraft and voodoo out. Got it?

One last thought: If your pastor got rich while being in the God business, you might want to look at his books. No, not the ones he hawks on his infomercials.




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